Not what you dictate

 It’s not who I am, It’s just what they want me to be.

For years flow is nothing but general.
You can’t be you and I can’t be me.
It’s the sin of life no one can foresee..

What happened to us and magical claim,
I could always be the reasons to blame.

It should be not just us,
It should we, they, you & I..

How could life be so cruel with something so fragile,
How could humanity be so submissive to all that power,
How could I be them and they be me,
How could we stick to fight for equality but in reality no are all the same,
How could you give up your essence and let die,
How could they want to be something they’re not and want me to be their sigh,
How could you let go of all dreams just to fit in, then run away with grief..
How could we all?!

What is sadness?
What is love?
What is Happiness?
And what is Humanity?

Sources of life,
Sources of belonging,
Sources of motivation..
What is anything anyway?

I breath so hard,
I breath so hard,
I just breath..

Demons, I see
Demons, I am running from
Demons, waking me
Demons, shadowing all over my head
Demons, I get back to
Demons, I am not ready to be theirs
Demons, I kill everyday in my sleep
Demons, I never liked

GASP!

I woke up to the sound of fire,
Fire eating up my cigarette,
Filling my lungs with burn,
Exhaling all that I’ve inhaled,
Will let it out,
I am not letting go of me,
You let go of your grudge,
Let go of me,
You won a battle,
I fin the war,
You can never call on me again,
I can’t see you anymore..

You are nothing but fumes to me..

Will let you go,
Forever will you leave..
Forever will let you out of my life..
Forever will control you and not you, I..
Forever will win my demons not you won by time..

Because I dictate,
Never dictate thy mine.

My Marie

As of today, you'll never leave me. 

For 13 years, you've been my comfort; my role model. 

Since the day we met, I knew who you were.

It was there, in your eyes.

The sassiness that you are,

The Playfulness that you can get,

The affection whom you were it,

The powerful interaction who you will always be.

You were a gift; a longed for gift since ages.

And since that birthday of mine..

I watched you play, learn how to walk, how to eat, how to fight back.. 

You were growing up and I was too. 

You've stuck around with everything; the bad before the good.

I can't help but recall, the day you woke me up to deliver.

I can't shake that moment, when you woke me up out of pain.

Magical, indeed.

You've portrayed a marvellous symbol to be taught.

Who says pets are only for fun.

I will always long for those hugs you gave me when no one did.

I will always cherish the moments when we played.

I will always remember when I snuck you food on the table.

I will always look back to you eating food off my plate.

I will always laugh on our fights. Who fights with their pets but us.

I will always smell your tail wiggle near my nose.

I will always recall your elaborate loong wishful looks.

I will always hear your meow.

I will always keep your chair empty.

I will always always want to kiss you hello.

I will always keep my cupboard open for you to crawl in.

I will always think of you as luxury.

I will always see me in you.

And You'll forever be my Marie ❤️

13 Years of journeys,

13 Years of the beauty that you are and the beast you can be.

13 Years of You..

Are definitely not enough ❤️

RIP 

My Aristocat, Marie ❤️

I will always wait for you, to wake me up...

Friday 31-3-2023

10 am

The Rise and Fall

“You only know how much anything means to you; only when its gone.” A very typical humane phrase; we say. But do we consider? NEVER!

I have lost a life.
You have lost a heart.
He has lost a kith.
She has lost a beat.

We, all, have lost someone and probably something at some point. Do we care?
We say we do. Yet, we are no haimish. Hallowed probably. Galimatias, we are, living in a world full of tailored and costumed outfits; accompanied by personal masks.

Infra dig. We have turned into zombie infra digs. Ones with zero breathing & zillion make-ups! Carmen, the gypsyish of gypsies,  was once trapped for fall. Her beliefs have fed her wants. Her needs have escorted her abilities. Her behavior has grown to attitude.

Carmen was free enough to not bow to life but to let it surrender. No one could have stopped her even life and its vicious plans.

Higher powers of elevate self-belief and faith have led her ego to lift body and soul on a mission.
But Madame, Carmen died!
Correction: Victoriously died! Goalled a man, look after her goal. Dying for such. What else would a “Free
Spirit” not do? 


No matter how conclusions end-up like; pride will always have a way with trials. In fact, that no trial; that is one goal check to not only achieve but have had her claimed for revenge to.
That prideful soul of hers who died for a dream not only achieved; yet warrior-like to, never cared for less. Tough heart of hers believed; only believed.

Question is: For how long will we ever NOT be “The Carmen”?

What are you waiting for?
What are you fearing?
Life and death…
Her pride lived ever after immortality.

Your pride is worth the stab. Die for it!


To my Carmen,
Long you live in that beat of mine. I shall immortal your vagrant conceit heart.

Oh, Carmen…

The Rise and Fall

“You only know how much anything means to you; only when its gone.” A very typical humane phrase; we say. But do we consider? NEVER!

I have lost a life.
You have lost a heart.
He has lost a kith.
She has lost a beat.

We, all, have lost someone and probably something at some point. Do we care?
We say we do. Yet, we are no haimish. Hallowed probably. Galimatias, we are, living in a world full of tailored and costumed outfits; accompanied by personal masks.

Infra dig. We have turned into zombie infra digs. Ones with zero breathing & zillion make-ups! Carmen, the gypsyish of gypsies,  was once trapped for fall. Her beliefs have fed her wants. Her needs have escorted her abilities. Her behavior has grown to attitude.

Carmen was free enough to not bow to life but to let it surrender. No one could have stopped her even life and its vicious plans.

Higher powers of elevate self-belief and faith have led her ego to lift body and soul on a mission.
But Madame, Carmen died!
Correction: Victoriously died! Goalled a man, look after her goal. Dying for such. What else would a “Free
Spirit” not do? 


No matter how conclusions end-up like; pride will always have a way with trials. In fact, that no trial; that is one goal check to not only achieve but have had her claimed for revenge to.
That prideful soul of hers who died for a dream not only achieved; yet warrior-like to, never cared for less. Tough heart of hers believed; only believed.

Question is: For how long will we ever NOT be “The Carmen”?

What are you waiting for?
What are you fearing?
Life and death…
Her pride lived ever after immortality.

Your pride is worth the stab. Die for it!


To my Carmen,
Long you live in that beat of mine. I shall immortal your vagrant conceit heart.

Oh, Carmen…

Where did the love go?

"Back then, when feelings mattered and we appreciated emotions."

Standing on top of a mountain, zooming in my goggles; have been that “humane” curious kind of girl. Exploring that creature called “US” is my main stream challenge. “WE” always get me questioning; leading to probably all interrogation keywords ever taught run into my head.

Before we were even born, learning how to love and cherish lies in between a mom through her umbilical cord to her kid. As squeezing out her toughest breathe to free you to life; that is love. Growing up to exposure, this breathe builds up its own likes. You taste things, see others, meet people and speak words of your emotional choice.

Our lives were just certain to love. We were brought to love, teach love, learn love and experience it. For all the disguise that is in life, it is out of de-love!

Since I was a kid, watching a romantic or cheesy full of emotions TV production was a life taker. Growing up to be the she I am now, nothing bugs me more than hearts! YES. Sadly true.

How could a heart act so harsh, probably dark! So, contre nature, in English so against nature.

A heart is a pusher. Pushing blood to far limb body parts, keeping it alive. Weird how hearts can provide life and we chase them die living now!

 What on earth have happened to us?! Money? Technology? Power? Probably.. ALL!
Have we forgotten our limbs? Or have our limbs not depend on us anymore?! BUT HOW? Nothing pumps like hearts; them can NOT be replaced. What have? And when was it replaced?

Peaking on people nowadays, loving themselves is not a living option; in fact it has been buried with ancients.. ancient ancients! They are gone; dead gone!
I see people in their 20s hating life because of people in their 60s probably 40s! I witness people in their 80s control people in their teens! I see kiddos walking in their dead’s footsteps!
What have happened to humanity?

Where did the love go? Is it gone forever? Is it coming back?.. Any sooner? Will it ever come back?!

Breaks my heart watching people act so stiff, so harsh, so tough; when a pump can ease their dump!
Shades of black covering shiny marron eyes; that if smiled peace comes within.
Blue covering brains; that if touched skies life would have begun.
Efforts spilt on floors, mopping money for chores and no touch to ease in!
I hear tongues uttering love, but hearts empty as jars.
I see actions that tell love but cold as ice hoping to melt.

Running down the hill.. “Hey, am not from town! Lead me to your frown. Probably, love will hear me sin!”
Town full of dead souls and living skins, “CEASED! He who loved is ceased till the end of time”
Thunder, storms and valleys to drown.. on top of voice, “probably am your sentenced grin!”
Merchants turned backs; walking and running; claiming it was a pessimist zenith of me!

Rain poured down my cheek; am awake and nothing will break my space.
You live for the lost and found.
You fight cause you will always win.
A heart of spirit you will begin and remain as always; a grin.

Why die now, When you can relive?!

WHY ?

 

Weird how can a person or a feeling change a life. I had my new piece written down and ready to fly, when a stronger thought hit my head: “WHY?”   

Meeting some old friends, old memories; yet, confusion surrounding everywhere.  Wasn’t quite sure if it was just me or others too. Awkward was nothing but everything. And words started hitting.
Do we fight because we want to? Or Do we fight because we have to? Or Do we fight because we love to?

Simply, the question is WHY! You keep on pulling and pushing till no end, knowing you are just a Destiny’s mopping; yet, we still fight. Way too hopeful believing you could do, while there’s a huger force spelling on your way.

As bright as the sun, you pick your own way. “It’s the high way or my way”, people say. Usually, they don’t get it; interpreting it the bad way round. You sync in a pond full of knives, spins and electric sharks; full of sticky mud pulling you to hell and pushing you away from home. Home is where your heart is. Your heart could be a book, a career, a person or a place; it’s never just where you grew up. It is part though, a major one. The one that makes you realize who you are, what you need and what you gonna do.

Yet, what’s so confusing is the struggle we live to determine how we grow. Struggling ideologies, people, behaviors, cultures and SELF. You struggle the “I wanna do person who is on the inside” and the “I don’t know how to do person who is on the outside”. If you do, be happy; deep down you are original, no copy.

Struggling your life, your circumstances does not make you less original than you really are. No magical print machines can copy you or me or them. We imitate because we survive. We try because we believe. We fight because we live. We live because we memorize. We memorize because we struggle. Struggle is what keeps us going, loving what we do and hoping for a better tomorrow.

Scents are made to be sniffed, sniffing is living. Sniff your tires; sniff them all till they soak in. When you do, you will believe; even more than believe, you will love. Love brings you back to life; making everything fall into part.

Love is desirous, ambitious, strong, fulfilling and warm. You don’t have to fall for somebody to feel loved; but, loving you is it. YOU deserve to be loved, cherished, pampered and appreciated. Pampering you is miraculous, it heals pain, softens injuries and breaks darkness. When love happens, magically WHY falls into part. Everything will be much clearer than earlier, crystal clear that you can smile to self for a hopeful selfie.

Enjoy your heart, enjoy your wisdom, knock out your insanity, run over numbness, pull over happiness and enjoy what’s left of love. That is what my WHY answered; think you can get yours too?

 HAVE A MARVELOUS WEEKEND :)

Just Humane :)

Why don’t fish drown?
Stupid question, NO? Was at my girlfriend’s swimming pool when it stroke my head.
Why don‘t they really drown, when other creatures do? Simply, they are meant to.

Just like us are meant to struggle to learn; learn to appreciate; appreciate to believe; believe to have faith.
Faith.. what faith, in a world full of distraction; a world full of misleads. I say faith of YOU!
We do get down and still get up; but why? You and I have the same reason not to keep going, break down and just let go.
Then, I heard it call me. Something telling me you are much, much more than this. You are made of steel, stronger than iron and higher than a mountain.

Conscious, do I have to believe? No, only within YOU.

Such a struggle I’ve had; maybe one of the toughest negotiations I ever had with me. I, had so many reasons to back off, walk away, and collapse all plays. But.. me, she had a say; one that tours into self and  stands up for right, never kills wrong but helps.

Mermaid pushed my head deep down to that ocean of hers; corals were pointy, full of spins but pretty. Quietly, getting darker; bubbles surrounding my head. Floating to surfaces, I saw them fade. A world of her own, she took me to.
And, I thought fish were safe. Sharks do exist but Nemoes always resist. Turns out, you could be “Nemo”; I could be too. You don’t have to be as big, dangerous as a shark to run oceans. In fact, people tend to enjoy clown fish’s glimpse.
You could be the tinniest, the weakest, the potential-less and still run galaxies. Yes. It is right within you.

Insane?
Have been always told so; but what do sane people take.. THE USUAL. You are un-usual. I hate usual. Following the herd could make you a good sheep; yet, leading it is a one’s job. A WILD HORSE.
Horses do get downs too. They just lean down, sniff waters, kick backwards and run free.

YOU are no sheep.
            But, wildly free.

                   And, I am no insane;
                                     Just humane!



PS:
- You can always enjoy being down; just don’t let it drown you.
- Credits to Antar, the horse. 

The Confidential Perception.

For years now… surely decades, the female-male relationship has been on its edge; peaking all conflicts. It is life. We were born to siege. That is a never settling down debate. Most might agree with how it is put and others might get offended. However, the truth is completely different.
We pin point our thoughts on papers; but stepping into streets, into lives.. that is definitely diverse.

Nowadays, the instinct collision has changed into “the male scarcity”.  That species was sentenced to disappear; by who? Anonymous. Fighting for communication is not the case anymore. Men are lacking; at least that is what ladies believe.

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.”, Joseph Conrad debates. Polish novelist Joseph Conrad, considered as a psychological realism and modernism writer explains why ladies are complicated. Betting, he would never know what is on NOW.
Where did they –men- go?, that is the question.

For generations now, ideal male-female theories were negotiated. Did any work .. ?!!
It is getting worse. Wanna know the reason? “ROLEPLAY.”
Normally, it is known for a man’s protectiveness and a woman’s sensitivity. However, says who? Who said it is supposed to work that way. Cultures, religions, sciences; what?!

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”, Anais Nin. Erotic Cuban American Author Angela Anais Nin, classically pointed out women needs and structure.
Unknowingly, Anais made it harder for ladies nowadays. We question the reasons, looking for answers without digging into any. Usually, we blame men for being men. Despite that, the secret lies in us. Enjoying masculine blames is what we do. Not proving man innocence but we are the play makers. And, do we admit that? NO.

It is known for society perceptions in our head, how could a woman question a man’s humane courageous solitude when Fitzergald questioned our lady-pride. It is a one to one relationship; you fight, I fight. Driving us crazy.

“I hope she’ll be a fool.. that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”; American Author F. Scott Fitzergald stated. Gets you to think, no.. ? BEAUTIFUL FOOL??
No objectivity can be up to this. I, you, her.. seriously, what is so common between men and sassiness; Women! You –man- can be attracted to that mind of hers not just a cute smile; which is highly needed but not as how humane, tough she is. Even Lilith Saint Crew said it, “Better to be strong than pretty and useless.” Case closed!
Tell you a secret, “No. Not closed. That feeling is mutual!!”

Your XY species wonder when will you ever settle. Simply because .. Mammas, you are part of the blame. It’s deep down there, under your skin; highly confidential to reveal. Martha Gellhorn unintentionally proves it right, “I know enough to know that no woman should ever marry a man who hated his mother.”

Society and cultures feed us with concepts and traditions that might not be humanely correct; following what you do not believe in makes you guilty.



It was said that men without women are scarce by Mark Twain. Makes you think, right ?
Confusing how we could be the problem.

Tossing questions into the air, not gone with the wind but waiting for a perfect storm. One that proves us all wrong into the right direction. But do we wait? Do we sit enjoying a movie with a bucket full of caramel flavored popcorn?

Forgetting we are part of the game; technically, the game starters. Explaining why he is a male cloned version of you.
 It is in the past if men our age are not as how they used to be. What really matters is how you raise other men. “Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim”, Nora Ephron.

Get your powers to be perfectly used instead of having them saved for fights. Boosting him does not only get you to raise a healthy child; but decrease the conflict. After all, You do not need to feel soft or weak; You are A WOMAN, you bring souls to life. All you need is BELIEF. Believing is part of achieving.

Do NOT cry over your spilt milk but soak it into perception.

The Start :)

 

Dearest reader,
Today is a happy day. One which you wake up smiling, telling the world “I will enjoy today, no matter what you’re bringing in. I will enjoy!” It’s just a happy day.

Now, what you will be reading might not sound professional, though I believe in it, but.. there are millions of professional writers out there; maybe not all of them get what I believe in. Sometimes, you need to loosen a bit and dig deep without any restrictions. You can consider me a railbird, who happens to define things in their “spiritual – supposed to be” origins.

We were not born knowing how to fight; it just happens. Blaming others, for not being able to stand up is not the flaw; yet, making them believe they can’t, is obsolete.

Usually, you get to know about a writer from his or her writings. I decided to break this. Making lots of friends is a must. I believe in the TRUE friend power, it’s gigantic. And that is why I would care about the thought; but not as much as the story itself. The story lies in there, in the HUMAN HEART.
Because I am not a typical writer, I think we should get introduced. You can never get too many friends; I love friends.

Hello friend whoever is reading, I am a 23 year old girl going on 24, who believes in existence. First of all, if you are a person who gets easily bored; please bear in mind that this piece of heart might cautiously get you to sleep. Patience is highly needed. Second of all, If not .. Please carry on.

Before getting into details, there are some important tips & people; you should be aware of. Well, I am pretty sarcastic –no offense-; she is also insane but romantic. And you’d probably not like pissing her off; her dark side ain’t pretty. You seriously do not need to meet her up. Other than that, enjoying giggles is a must.

Here comes my favorite part..
Due to my emotional context, some people have had & still have their carvings on my heart.
   Starting, all of my new/old friends or even people I’ve met, you all inspired me; especially that beggar girl with a pretty smile.  You are a carving, pretty smile. Never forgot that smile of hers.
    Going to the guy who broke my heart, you’ve made it stronger.. way stronger. I don’t know if you’ll be reading this or not, just hope you do. Here’s a confession, I am sorry for never getting the chance to thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart. If It wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be the tougher her I am now. You have turned her into a woman. Thank you boy. Owing an apology to every single person I’ve lost, stopped talking to because of him. Please, accept my apologies people.
    As for my girlfriends –my girl power-, not enough pages could list you girls. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Backing me up, was a miraculous heal. Which is why am topping my favorite 3; of whom 2 went to my university.
“Carrot Head”, you are my buddy. We’ve always been side to side. I just hope we’d meet more often. And.. yes, “YOU” fish head! I said I hate you; missing out the part where it’s not real though. You are my “get lost anywhere buddy”, how can I lose you? now, that wouldn’t be fun. Yea, yea .. I know I am harsh & you are childish. So, beat it!

     Then comes my insane genetic heritage, Granny. You drive me nuts, I just long for your hug; GOD bless you.
     Reaching to my junior pretty happy eyes; my sister. Did I ever mention how much I am proud to call you her; well.. couldn’t find a better timing. I am the luckiest & proudest sister alive to have you.
    Last but not least, Mummy; my mummy. One of the strongest women I’ve met. We fight, we yell.. I just hope you know that I love you. If it wasn’t for her, I would have been depressingly married with a kid by now! Thank you for supporting & sorry for the pain; wish I can wash it all away & make you proud.
   Finally, for life.. you are not cracking me woman! You are too sadly old to beat my shield.. the smile :)

For my out there new friends, you probably hate me by now. Take a break & enjoy the coming ride ;) !

    Have any of you noticed my 3^rd girlfriend skip? Simply, because she’s not one. She’s my crime buddy, my cake & tea person & my shopping companion. The lady I enjoy hugging.
“PS: yes, we are straight.”
Before I tell you our story, I have to thank my other mummy for raising her. The woman I know is capable of turning galaxies with just A LAUGH!

And there we go ..
   Toasting this to my heart of gold, to the support, to the laughters, to the females we are & hidden deep down males we play.
   You can always find a lover, a family I might say; but friendship.. from the heart friendship. A hug that shivers your body into bits and pieces; if you own it, you are lucky. And I am the luckiest. At times, life knocks you down; it’s so hard that you can’t get up, too deep that you can’t take it. You run away, run .. randomly run, not knowing where to. It would be dark, slippery dark; snowing your feelings into paved ice, hard to stand on. Some could envy me & others might think it’s pathetic. But I think, it’s pure .. magically pure.
   She makes things fall into place. They look, feel & smell much easier when she’s here. No, no.. she is not a girlfriend; she's just family.

  Let me take you guys to a small trip. Atrip to that heart of gold. The heart I am glad I bumped into. That golden smile of hers magically drowning you into a pure ocean of hearts; beware.. that smile is dangerous, it can make you fall for it easily.
   Yes, we match! That was the key to all stories. Getting old was never a problem for us; we planned nothing & that was the best part, DESTINY. That purified heart was the reason why I still believe in destiny.
   We mostly get along but if we don’t it’s a long ride laugh ending with an orange juice. Lies never take place, even when we tremble; things still fall into place. Just, we only missed one lie. It’s the orange; cold sugar cane drink & candies are what we actually long for. Well.. at least we don’t lie about that either.
  
One of the reasons why I started blogging is to make mamma & her proud. Because your existence is what keeps me going, THANK YOU.
Another thing that I might have never told you; my little secret.. I hope my little pretty smile would be as lucky as I am having a YOU in her life.

  And that me friends is why celebrating her birthday as my kick off, is not even close to what I feel for her, not even a proper gift.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SISTER. <3


Hey reading friend,
Am sorry if I sounded pathetic. It feels way too right acknowledging people that have & still inspire you.

PS:
- If you enjoyed this, please don't envy us but ask GOD to keep it safe. Now, it's your turn.. pick up your phone, dialup your buddy’s number, tell them how much they mean to you. It can change lives.
- If you are expecting a writing timeline date, I can’t promise you this - it’s spiritual. But .. I promise am definitely passing on another thought.


                                                                                                                                               Salut :)